It’s summer, it’s hot, and the takes are sizzling, which can only mean one thing: the Canes Country Hot Take-a-Thon is underway. Our writers have come up with their hottest takes. Some of them are for real. Some of them are satire. All of them are entertaining. Want to contribute your own take? Head to the FanPosts section, put on your fire suit, and get to takin’.
Matt Duchene’s got nothing on this.
That perfect move for a scoring center that the Carolina Hurricanes (and their fans) have been searching for has been in front of them since 2010:
Wait...sorry, wrong Justin. My instinct says Germany’s Augsberger Panther are quite happy with their import.
No, the best and undoubtedly perfect fit in the middle of the Canes’ top line is Justin Faulk. And his hair.
This really doesn’t require much thought (seriously, I gave this next to no thought at all, believe it or not). Faulk is a three-time all-star defenseman with the ability to score in every game, he just hasn’t wanted to (yet). He is the engine of the Canes’ consistently wonderful power play. His hair is perfect.
He can probably cover the defensive aspects of being a center as well, but that one’s a real toss-up. He also has immaculate hair.
He can be a power-forward and keep opponents away from Sebastian Aho and Jeff Skinner. But most importantly, his hair...it’s the most important player on the ice at any time. Honestly, it’s not out of the question to believe that his hair decides who wins a game, who scores, the weather for a given day, etc.
“But wait, how can his hair impact the game? Or how he plays? Or possess the ability to autonomously exist,” you might ask. Look, are you going to tell me you don’t look at Justin Faulk’s hair and think “yeah, that probably has a mind of its own and is a big part of his success as a hockey player both in the past and future” before realizing how lucky you were to have seen it in the first place? Because to me, that's preposterous; not believing in the magic of Justin Faulk's hair, things of that nature.
Point is, forget guys that have valuable NHL experience as centers — just “Brent Burns” this thing and call it done. Speaking of Burns, that totally not-anomalous case led to the most iconic beard/hair combo of the 21st century and something called a Norris Trophy; Faulk at center would be guaranteed “Facial-Cranial Foliage of the Millennium” and a few Hart, Lindsay, Richard, and Selke trophies. Screw it, he’ll win a Vezina while he’s at it.
He’s His hair is that good, and good hair is all it takes to be great at hockey.
So yeah, sign me up for game after game of slappers from the slot and minimal faceoff wins; who needs puck possession with this going on?
There are at least 60 goals, two sets of car keys, 84 elastic hair ties, and a small family of pygmy-owls comfortably piled up in that nest (endangered species, what a caring guy) just waiting to be unleashed on net-front defenders. What more could you need from your new centerpiece?
Like I said: Matt Duchene’s got nothing on this.