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The 2017 CC Hot Take-a-Thon: Tackling the Carolina Hurricanes Attendance Issue

In one fell swoop I solve both the attendance problem and the arena location problem.

By Jamie Kellner Updated

We hope you've enjoyed our Hot Take-a-Thon series. Over the last two weeks, our writers were charged with coming up with their hottest takes to help get us through these long dog days of summer. Hopefully you found all of them entertaining. We’ll close things out with a take on a difficult topic.

From all indications, the proposed sale of the Carolina Hurricanes to potential new owner Chuck Greenberg remains on track. Assuming it goes through, Greenberg and his team of investors are going to be spending a whole bunch of money.

But, you know, an investor with money's a little like a mule with a spinning wheel: no one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it. So let’s help him out, Canes fans, so our new ownership group can spend their money in the most productive way possible.

Let’s face it, this market has an attendance problem. Some have suggested new ownership will automatically result in increased ticket sales. I guess time will tell and we shall see, but the cosmic ballet goes on. What about those who say a winning record and a spot in the playoffs for the first time since 2009 will bring the fans back? Believe me, I'm all for it, but that won't happen for at least another eight months. And if there's anything social media has taught me, it’s that we fans need demand change now, not eight months from now.

And the bottom line is, a new owner and a winning team isn't going to magically move an arena currently situated in a cow pasture to the vibrant and lit AF areas of Raleigh where people want to gather before and after a game. A lazy river is really cool but it won’t solve that problem, nor will a rooftop bar.

Nope, if Greenberg really wants to connect with the fans and the community, what better way to do that than by connecting the fans WITH the community?

What we need is a...

Genuine...

Bona fide...

Electrified...

Six-car monorail.

What did I say?

MONORAIL!

Allow me to elaborate.

Disclaimer: Actual monorail system may not match photo

With a high-speed monorail system, PNC Arena can be easily connected with the rest of Raleigh. Here are just a sampling of some of the options for stops on the route:

  • South Lawn between PNC Arena and Carter-Finley Stadium (yes, this plan will even work with #NCStateShit too)
  • Western Boulevard, between Bojangles and Cookout
  • NCSU Brickyard, in the vacant space left from the Harrelson Hall demolition
  • Cameron Village (side note, in order to comply with local ordinances, the front car of the monorail will be painted to look like a Chevy Tahoe)
  • Nash Square/Warehouse District
  • Krispy Kreme, because donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
  • Glenwood South – Hi Bates!
  • North Hills
  • Crabtree Valley Mall (bonus, above-ground rail system can be used as an emergency evacuation route in the event of flooding)
  • Town of Cary, because when Mr. Greenberg relocates here from Pittsburgh, the monorail can drop him off at his new home.

I have time for a few rapid-fire questions:

Will this make us better than the Devils?
Yes, good sir, we're above that level.

Is there a chance Cam Ward could start?
Not on your life, Darling's got the part.

Can we put the 'C' on Jeffrey Skinner?
No more calls, we have a winner.

But without a 1C our lines are broken.
Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

I swear it's Raleigh’s only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice.

Monorail!

What's it called?

Monorail!

Once again...

MONORAIL!!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a plane to catch to Tahiti.